May 2010


First of all: I am studying, which I need to be, I’m just also blogging, watching ANTM, and browsing flickr outfits on wardrobe_remix and fatshionista, too. Sigh.

The sad thing is, the material isn’t uninteresting – not at all! What could be better than a class, which I practically hand-picked, about suicide, relationships, and depression? That is the stuff life is made of!! And yet, I slack. I suspect that in the end, I’m just not an academic person – that’s not where my heart is (which sounds unbelievably corny, but I only mean that some people find all the fulfilment they need in researching, in making a name for themselves in academia, and I just care much more about living comfortably, figuring out this whole relating-to-others thing, and helping others more generally….I don’t have the heart of someone who was ever going to be great, even if that’s what I was raised to desire, and I’m finally starting to realize/come to terms with that).

….Meanwhile! I applied to a job which sound absolutely dreamy today – training, pretty good fucking pay by my standards, public service (my desire to work for the state is no secret – I believe good public services are the measure of an advanced society, and the government in general is pretty good about benefits/pay, at least around here), my Very Own Cases, pretty much everything I envision when I allow myself to fantasize about professional future. I probably won’t get it, of course – not being pessimistic, just stating the reality of being a single, inexperienced salesgirl in a city with hundreds of thousands of unemployed workers going after a handful of jobs – but it’s my favorite opportunity that’s popped up so far.

I also used my last ten-dollar-off coupon of the month to buy a dress for my sister’s graduation in a few weeks – the dress is for my sister, of course, not for me. It was sixty dollars originally and I got it down to 12-something, all discounts told – not to bad, though not cheap enough to really excite me. It’s a great dress as well, black but made sunny for its pink-rosy print and it’s a-line skirt. It’s also strapless with a beautiful pleating detail across the bust, so that it looks like the material is merely sitting in front of the breasts instead of lying on them – my sister calls it a “pleated shield” and it pretty much does look like some kind of weird armour. It adds a nice bit of edge to an otherwise completely feminine dress, and once you throw on a cardigan it’s totally work appropriate. Once I get a camera in my hands I’ll probably post a picture or two.

Ok, now I really am going to double up on the studying – I absolutely must have this reaction paper submitted by tonight, no excuses! Out of my way, writer’s block! Fuck off, laziness! Tonight it’s just me and the interpersonal theories of suicidal ideation.

yours,

– Tuesday

Right now: eating Fruit Discs, the delicious supermarket-brand knock-off of Fruit Loops, half-watching Say Yes to the Dress, trying to read the articles my prof. sent me on interpersonal theories of suicide and re-checking the various jobhunting sites which have become staples of my internet history. So basically my life has become a mix of scrambling to cobble together some kind of professional future and then battling the waves of anxiety inherent in that effort with foodstuff, TV, internetwandering and shopping. Oh, shopping.

Now, I had previously thought I would abandon my department store gig at the first offer of anything in an office, where I can wear non-rubber soled shoes because I get a chair and there would be paper work and computer systems involved. After further reflection (and a minuscule, vaguely insulting raise – I now make *almost* a dollar more than minimum wage, isn’t that nice?) I’ve decided to stay put until I find a job in the actual field I want to enter, which is social/health services. After all, even if I found something in, say, a technological start-up company which was nice enough and paid more than I make right now, I would just keep job searching for the job I really want anyway, and then if I found it I would have to leave pretty soon after accepting, which I don’t like to do. Or maybe my reasoning makes no sense and I’m actually just super lazy. Whatever. This way simplifies things for me and makes me feel more focused.

In the meanwhile, I’ve been taking advantage of said crappy retail job to slowly build up the material trappings of an adult life. Probably from watching too much What Not To Wear, I’ve become much more interested in dressing less like a fourteen-year old and more like an adult. Until very recently I didn’t own any clothes at all except jeans and t-shirts, any shoes except sneakers and tennis shoes (and my beloved red Docs), I had a bookbag and a couple of rundown, old purses with missing hooks, zippers and handles.

So I’ve been slowly building a wardrobe which is respectable as well as true to my style – which I’m only just discovering anyway, so the timing is actually pretty good: had I done this earlier I would probably want to throw it all out now anyway. I’ve gotten a couple of nice shirts, a pair of nice, comfortable flats. My most recent acquisitions, which I am proud of to an inappropriate degree:

– A big giant purse, which is nice/adult enough to take to job interviews, work, etc., but also exactly what I wanted personally – big enough to fit my netbook, journal, agenda, wallet, etc., but casual (cotton, mostly) with sea-side colors (white, beige and mostly sunny-day ocean blue – I look at it and want to go swimming) – with a zipper and five different pockets. Came to $5.17 thanks to a sale, a coupon and my employee discount.

– A pencil skirt! Now, I always thought that I hated pencil skirts, because I am rather slim and thus always looking for things which will give the illusion of curves – big fan of a-lines, here – and I always thought that pencil skirts made you look narrow and flat. No thanks, right? Wrong! I loved each skirt I pulled on – I still don’t quite understand it myself, but I think it has something to do with the high waist and the way your hips look when you walk. I went with a dark gray with a black belt which I found in the clearance rack – not too tight or trendy, hits just below the knee, overall guaranteed to be appropriate for almost any job and yet still, I think, quite flattering. Cost after various discounts: $8.39.

I can’t believe I ever hated shopping.

ps: I would have pictures up, but my sister’s camera is dead (well, was killed after a bad fall….accidental cameracide) and my father took his camera with him when he fucked off to wherever, so I am camera-less. If I do get a hold of one I might come back and add pics later, because I really do think blog posts look quite bare without them.

yours,

– Tuesday