First of all: I am studying, which I need to be, I’m just also blogging, watching ANTM, and browsing flickr outfits on wardrobe_remix and fatshionista, too. Sigh.

The sad thing is, the material isn’t uninteresting – not at all! What could be better than a class, which I practically hand-picked, about suicide, relationships, and depression? That is the stuff life is made of!! And yet, I slack. I suspect that in the end, I’m just not an academic person – that’s not where my heart is (which sounds unbelievably corny, but I only mean that some people find all the fulfilment they need in researching, in making a name for themselves in academia, and I just care much more about living comfortably, figuring out this whole relating-to-others thing, and helping others more generally….I don’t have the heart of someone who was ever going to be great, even if that’s what I was raised to desire, and I’m finally starting to realize/come to terms with that).

….Meanwhile! I applied to a job which sound absolutely dreamy today – training, pretty good fucking pay by my standards, public service (my desire to work for the state is no secret – I believe good public services are the measure of an advanced society, and the government in general is pretty good about benefits/pay, at least around here), my Very Own Cases, pretty much everything I envision when I allow myself to fantasize about professional future. I probably won’t get it, of course – not being pessimistic, just stating the reality of being a single, inexperienced salesgirl in a city with hundreds of thousands of unemployed workers going after a handful of jobs – but it’s my favorite opportunity that’s popped up so far.

I also used my last ten-dollar-off coupon of the month to buy a dress for my sister’s graduation in a few weeks – the dress is for my sister, of course, not for me. It was sixty dollars originally and I got it down to 12-something, all discounts told – not to bad, though not cheap enough to really excite me. It’s a great dress as well, black but made sunny for its pink-rosy print and it’s a-line skirt. It’s also strapless with a beautiful pleating detail across the bust, so that it looks like the material is merely sitting in front of the breasts instead of lying on them – my sister calls it a “pleated shield” and it pretty much does look like some kind of weird armour. It adds a nice bit of edge to an otherwise completely feminine dress, and once you throw on a cardigan it’s totally work appropriate. Once I get a camera in my hands I’ll probably post a picture or two.

Ok, now I really am going to double up on the studying – I absolutely must have this reaction paper submitted by tonight, no excuses! Out of my way, writer’s block! Fuck off, laziness! Tonight it’s just me and the interpersonal theories of suicidal ideation.


– Tuesday