Not Quite Learning


First of all: I am studying, which I need to be, I’m just also blogging, watching ANTM, and browsing flickr outfits on wardrobe_remix and fatshionista, too. Sigh.

The sad thing is, the material isn’t uninteresting – not at all! What could be better than a class, which I practically hand-picked, about suicide, relationships, and depression? That is the stuff life is made of!! And yet, I slack. I suspect that in the end, I’m just not an academic person – that’s not where my heart is (which sounds unbelievably corny, but I only mean that some people find all the fulfilment they need in researching, in making a name for themselves in academia, and I just care much more about living comfortably, figuring out this whole relating-to-others thing, and helping others more generally….I don’t have the heart of someone who was ever going to be great, even if that’s what I was raised to desire, and I’m finally starting to realize/come to terms with that).

….Meanwhile! I applied to a job which sound absolutely dreamy today – training, pretty good fucking pay by my standards, public service (my desire to work for the state is no secret – I believe good public services are the measure of an advanced society, and the government in general is pretty good about benefits/pay, at least around here), my Very Own Cases, pretty much everything I envision when I allow myself to fantasize about professional future. I probably won’t get it, of course – not being pessimistic, just stating the reality of being a single, inexperienced salesgirl in a city with hundreds of thousands of unemployed workers going after a handful of jobs – but it’s my favorite opportunity that’s popped up so far.

I also used my last ten-dollar-off coupon of the month to buy a dress for my sister’s graduation in a few weeks – the dress is for my sister, of course, not for me. It was sixty dollars originally and I got it down to 12-something, all discounts told – not to bad, though not cheap enough to really excite me. It’s a great dress as well, black but made sunny for its pink-rosy print and it’s a-line skirt. It’s also strapless with a beautiful pleating detail across the bust, so that it looks like the material is merely sitting in front of the breasts instead of lying on them – my sister calls it a “pleated shield” and it pretty much does look like some kind of weird armour. It adds a nice bit of edge to an otherwise completely feminine dress, and once you throw on a cardigan it’s totally work appropriate. Once I get a camera in my hands I’ll probably post a picture or two.

Ok, now I really am going to double up on the studying – I absolutely must have this reaction paper submitted by tonight, no excuses! Out of my way, writer’s block! Fuck off, laziness! Tonight it’s just me and the interpersonal theories of suicidal ideation.

yours,

– Tuesday

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So, I’ve spent most of the last 24 hours hooked up to a heart-monitor. It’s weird because I never, ever get sick, not really – except for this last year or so, when apparently my body’s just been fucking up left and right.

Actually, it’s nothing major so far, just a series of common, minor, irritating conditions: nasal drip through almost all of the winter which thank-god disappeared, occasionally-mortifying angioedema since January, and just recently probable mitral valve prolapse – hence the monitor. Oh, and new asthma. The annoying thing is, all of these are really very minor, but I still freaked out almost every time something new came up and went to a doctor, so I’ve racked up at least a few hundred in bills (I don’t want to count them! Depressing) to basically learn I’m fine over and over. I don’t even get illness-related sympathy, just sort of scolded for overreacting to the occasinal irregular heartbeat/inability to breathe/swollen body part.

…Ok, possibly I had some frustrations about all of this that I was unaware of, but now that I got it all out in rant form we can move on.

I’m skipping class again. A different class than last time, though – this one is relatively easy, but soulsuckingly dull. And attendence is both taken and counts towards the final grade, so I should really resist the (very, very strong) urge to skip but – I’m only human.

Back to the heart moniter for a moment: I’ve never seen, nevermind worn one before. The biggest takeaway is: goddam these things are uncomfortable. The patches that connect the electrodes to the moniter are itchy as hell, but you can’t touch them. Also, the skin that was underneath got completely red and irritable after I, very painfully, ripped them off in the bathroom a few minutes ago.

That was probably the worst part, the second being that it looks a bit weird to walk around with it, even if it’s mostly in your pocket and you have a high collar to hide the electrodes. People definetly had that uncomfortable look they get when they’re trying not to react to someone’s obvious illness. Not too bad, overall, but I still felt a bit weird and so did what I do whenever I feel less-than-stellar, which is, unfortunately, go to the bathroom and ply on the make-up. Maybe not ply, though – just some heavy mascara, a bit of lipstick, a quick powedering. It’s a terrible, vain habit, but I guess I like looking slightly better, and I find the actual application of make-up to be sort of thereuputic. Yes, I know that’s not normal, no, I’m not dealing with it right now.

It really has been a busy day, though. I got up at six in the morning to be the first in line for some bloodwork. This is also the third time I’ve had blood taken out in as many months, which isn’t fun but at least I’ve become totally blase about watching my lifeblood spurt into little glass tubes. After the lab I had just enough time to get a slice of bread and a boiled egg and then off to the University I went.

Except I had to go early to meet up with poor old G and lend her a few bucks because she had literally nothing in her bank account and has to pay for classes. At least I managed to retrieve the minibottles of vodka and gin I had stored in her car, though, and they’re tucked safely away in my bookbag (actually, it probably would have looked extremely sketchy to anyone watching – standing in a corner of a parking lot, I hand over a few bills and G. thursts a small, plain brown paper bag at me, which I then quickly hide away).

Of course, any other day I could have enjoyed a little drink and probably even been good to go to class without wanting to beat my head against the wall till something broke, but today was heart-monitering day and I could not have a sip (well, I probably could have, but a single sip of alcohol seems wasteful and weird).

Also, for lunch I had a packet of vanilla waifers and a bar of Dove Smooth Milk Chocolate, which finally tastes good again after I OD’d on it last year. My stomach is not happy but I’m feeling okay.

Well, instead of working on my research paper yesterday, I spent forty minutes dissolving into giggles and feminine snorts over this site. It’s cakes. It’s amazing. Ok, I may have been in a delirious state of mind (the kind you slip into after reading several thirty-page studies on pleading behavior [why do I choose these topics? Why?]), but really, Cake Wrecks is gold. I laughed myself so tired I just went right to sleep afterwards, like a baby. Hence my mad scrambling to finish that paper in three hours today.

Oh my God, my paper’s due in two days.

Personal favorites, in no particular order:

Inspiration vs Perspiration (IMO, best if you scroll down and don’t look ahead too much)

Beyond Bizarre

and What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

I already whined about my failings as a blogger not too long ago, so I’m not going to rehash all that. But if you’re wondering “Tuesday, where are you right now as a blogger?” You can just go read that again because I haven’t made any progress whatever.

I did start summer classes. It’s a required research methods class that would be mind-numbingly boring if not for the excitement of attempting the course without the required text (which costs one hundred and forty dollars! I can’t even split that with someone right now). Not knowing all of the material I’m to be tested on really keeps me on my toes.

On the other hand, I’d forgotten totally what going to school was like. I woke up today after five or so hours of sleep, threw myself out of bed, brushed my teeth, showered, put on one (1) shirt and one (1) pair of pants, choked down some Lucky Charms, wiped my new bird’s bum (hopefully it’s just stress from the move that’s had him pooping weirdly – it happens to literally all my pets when I first get them), threw on some earrings and staggered out into the world. Seriously, I put near no effort at all into my appearance today. It’s strangely freeing. Yes, I am wearing my crappy jeans with my crappy shirt. So WHAT? (thank you, Tyra).

And then I sat and didn’t do my homework and listened to music outside of the library for about twenty minutes until the sound of time being wasted got to me. I know I need to be more careful than this in the future though, because this class is only like a month long, so I can’t really screw up a few assignments and then excel at the very end in the usual collegiate fashion.

Now excuse me while I fight my way through hordes of summer camp kids in order to get to class.

 

Waiting – can you guess? – for the bus. Things I’d forgotten include: how crappy everything here is. The printer was broken, so it took me three times as long to print out my form. The form itself is all kinds of ridiculous – if anyone ever needs a rough draft in order to get it done right? You need to simplify that bitch. More than half of the computers at any given computer lab are just out – they don’t turn on, or the internet isn’t working, or the mouse isn’t connected. Oh, and the bookstore is totally out of Dove Smooth Milk Chocolates. What a sad state of affairs! 

Though, I’ll give my poor old alma mater credit where it’s due – they have gotten closer to fixing the computer times. Now they’re just a couple of minutes behind. Good job, guys. Really. Give yourselves a hand.

And with that, I’m finally done with Spring Semester! *lounges around watching Bravo reality TV for several months*

I’m finishing school on a Saturday because I was a horrible, lazy person who waited until the very last minute to finish the paper her professor so generously gave her an blank-check extension on. This paper was due last Thursday, people. Still, for any future professors/teachers out there – never, never say “just turn it in some time next week”. Ever.

Now I’m all kinds of guilt because when I emailed it to him, he replied very curtly. *is intimidated*. Why yes, I do need to be unhealthily coddled to feel comfortable around authority figures. How did you ever guess?

Anyway, it’s near midnight and I’m ded tired (although, it is from waking up extra-early to work on late paper, so I feel good about this). I’m going to go…hit the hay. Also, the hell? Everything is sounding sexual to me lately.

On that note, good night. (very good night. Oh, damn it!)

I had a strange and dreamlike morning, wherein I mindlessly scrambled my way through the rest of the lab assignments, studied for the Stats final, took said final, and ran into my Honors prof and didn’t quite explain why my paper had not been emailed yet. I also think there was breakfast, somewhere. This was all before 10:30, people; I’m 85% confident that I was asleep the whole time (by which I mean, ,if you tested this repeatedly, you would have found me REMing 85% of the time. Or something. This isn’t an interval so it doesn’t even work (goddamn silly statistics!)).

And then I stumble (literally) outside and glance down at the time to see it’s 10:23. The next bus leaves at 10:24 (as a sidenote, when you have the metro schedule in your area memorized? It may be time to reevaluate your life). So I ran and ran and flailed and made it! Yay? Anyway, as I toss my stuff on the nearest chair and start rooting around for my wallet the driver is all, “D’you have a pass?”

To which I airily replied, “No, I’m getting cash.”

“..ok.”

Then when I go to pay he tells me, “You really should’ve just said you had a pass.”

See, I didn’t realize that was an option. Damn my intrinsically honest nature! I glance around at the other passengers and can see that, yes, I am the only person who paid to be here. Ah well. God knows the the public transport around here could use the money. Although, with my luck it all actually ends up going into bombs and bullets for Iraq, all the better to blow a hole in someone. And kill them.

…Damn, that turned gloomy fast.

 

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