So, I’ve spent most of the last 24 hours hooked up to a heart-monitor. It’s weird because I never, ever get sick, not really – except for this last year or so, when apparently my body’s just been fucking up left and right.

Actually, it’s nothing major so far, just a series of common, minor, irritating conditions: nasal drip through almost all of the winter which thank-god disappeared, occasionally-mortifying angioedema since January, and just recently probable mitral valve prolapse – hence the monitor. Oh, and new asthma. The annoying thing is, all of these are really very minor, but I still freaked out almost every time something new came up and went to a doctor, so I’ve racked up at least a few hundred in bills (I don’t want to count them! Depressing) to basically learn I’m fine over and over. I don’t even get illness-related sympathy, just sort of scolded for overreacting to the occasinal irregular heartbeat/inability to breathe/swollen body part.

…Ok, possibly I had some frustrations about all of this that I was unaware of, but now that I got it all out in rant form we can move on.

I’m skipping class again. A different class than last time, though – this one is relatively easy, but soulsuckingly dull. And attendence is both taken and counts towards the final grade, so I should really resist the (very, very strong) urge to skip but – I’m only human.

Back to the heart moniter for a moment: I’ve never seen, nevermind worn one before. The biggest takeaway is: goddam these things are uncomfortable. The patches that connect the electrodes to the moniter are itchy as hell, but you can’t touch them. Also, the skin that was underneath got completely red and irritable after I, very painfully, ripped them off in the bathroom a few minutes ago.

That was probably the worst part, the second being that it looks a bit weird to walk around with it, even if it’s mostly in your pocket and you have a high collar to hide the electrodes. People definetly had that uncomfortable look they get when they’re trying not to react to someone’s obvious illness. Not too bad, overall, but I still felt a bit weird and so did what I do whenever I feel less-than-stellar, which is, unfortunately, go to the bathroom and ply on the make-up. Maybe not ply, though – just some heavy mascara, a bit of lipstick, a quick powedering. It’s a terrible, vain habit, but I guess I like looking slightly better, and I find the actual application of make-up to be sort of thereuputic. Yes, I know that’s not normal, no, I’m not dealing with it right now.

It really has been a busy day, though. I got up at six in the morning to be the first in line for some bloodwork. This is also the third time I’ve had blood taken out in as many months, which isn’t fun but at least I’ve become totally blase about watching my lifeblood spurt into little glass tubes. After the lab I had just enough time to get a slice of bread and a boiled egg and then off to the University I went.

Except I had to go early to meet up with poor old G and lend her a few bucks because she had literally nothing in her bank account and has to pay for classes. At least I managed to retrieve the minibottles of vodka and gin I had stored in her car, though, and they’re tucked safely away in my bookbag (actually, it probably would have looked extremely sketchy to anyone watching – standing in a corner of a parking lot, I hand over a few bills and G. thursts a small, plain brown paper bag at me, which I then quickly hide away).

Of course, any other day I could have enjoyed a little drink and probably even been good to go to class without wanting to beat my head against the wall till something broke, but today was heart-monitering day and I could not have a sip (well, I probably could have, but a single sip of alcohol seems wasteful and weird).

Also, for lunch I had a packet of vanilla waifers and a bar of Dove Smooth Milk Chocolate, which finally tastes good again after I OD’d on it last year. My stomach is not happy but I’m feeling okay.

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Was dragged to this little sushi place by a friend, under the pretense of going out for some Chinese. Devious!

So, I have stayed far, far away from sushi since…always, because I’d like to think that I know myself at least a little. Hopefully, enough to not be, like, “Ok, well I know I don’t like fish, or anything, really, that lives in or near water. And I know that my detestation for undercooked foods is such that I inevitably burn everything I cook….so, sushi! Sure!” But I figured, you know, trying something once is always blah blah etc, so we went to this little Japanese place where they give you chopsticks and no, they don’t have duck-sauce and you should never ask because you will feel very fucking uncultured and ridiculous.

The atmosphere was great, but the food itselfm, of course, was all very disgusting. I mean, it’s Raw Fish and Other Strange Things (which would be the name of my sushi place, just btw). I had to literally choke that shit down. But y’know, at least now when I insist that no, I would not like spoonful of fish eggs, thanks, I can feel very honest in my conviction.

The rice, utterly doused in soy sauce, was pretty good, though. And also, most of what I ended up eating. Here’s to leaving a bunch of raw fish at the table and looking vaguely eating-disordered (people assume this about me! *is sad*).

I make oatmeal the way my grandmother used to make it for me, which means it’s delicious but both unhealthy and childish. *shrug*. I made some this morning and decided to document it, mostly because I can’t be trusted alone with a camera.

I use instant oatmeal, because that’s what’s been in our kitchen since forever, but my grandmother totally ignored the “Quick: 1 minute” directions and so do I. This takes about fifteen to twenty minutes, depending on how much of a mess I manage to make.

You pour a little bit of water in a bowl and add a bit less than a cup of oatmeal. oatmeal in water

You heat the oatmeal, stirring so it won’t burn and stick to the pot, but letting it come to a boil. What you’re waiting for here is the water to evaporate almost completely, leaving oatmeal mush in its wake.

See, turning the oatmeal grains into oatmeal mush is the first step in sucking all nutritional value out. Still, you don’t want it to be too mushy, or the milk won’t thicken enough. Which brings us to step 2: add milk to mush.

Just like you’re making chocolate milk, add chocolate (I use regular nesquik powder), sugar, and a dash of salt. And some cinnamon, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Stir occasionally, because, again, burning is not good, and will be tasted. But also let it boil every once and again. Sing a little song, check the taste, do a little dance, and once the “oatmeal” is at the level of thickness you prefer, take off the heat.

Pour it into your bowl, using a strainer to catch the grains. Wouldn’t want to ruin breakfast with any sort of nutrition, would we?* Of course, you stir with contents of the strainer with a spoon to get all the liquid through, or it will take hours. I suppose a person could eat the grains if they wanted – they’re cooked and all – but they just don’t look too appetizing to me.

 I usually just throw them away.

What’s left is something not unlike hot chocolate, but much thicker, richer and heavier.

 

 

Since my tastes plateaued at five years old, I shred some bread in (something with a certain amount of lard works best, like cuban),                              

 

and enjoy!

We call this pan con chocolate, which simply means bread with chocolate. I say “we” in reference to my family, not Hispanics in general, because when I google imaged “pan con chocolate” I couldn’t find this at all. Whatevs! They’re missing out.

 

 

*Nutrition is very important and you shouldn’t neglect your health. However, I enjoy spoiling myself every once in a while, and that’s what this is. Chocolate for breakfast!

Seems that now that I have some free time, I’m finally all geared up and ready to get down to some self-improvement. yay.

Foodwise:

I’ve begun a foodlog to keep track of what I eat each day, and I plan to make a conscious effort to eat things, occasionally, that are sorta good for you. Like, fruits. Maybe even veggies (whoa, slow down there, tiger!)? Part of my problem with food (there are many, which I plan to write about at length later – to look at the whole problem) is that I have trouble getting three meals in a day. I’ll have breakfast and dinner. Or just lunch and a series of snacks. And that’s no good. I’m going to work on eating real food three times a day, even if I’m not all that hungry.

I began taking a multivitamin yesterday. I don’t know why I avoided it all these years.

I don’t, as of right now, have any plans to cut back on such unhealthy foods as salty snacks, chocolate, ice cream, friedstuffs, white bread, refined sugar, children’s cereals, donuts, and so on. Because I don’t want to. However, since I’m going to start eating fruits and…other healthy snacks (I actually can’t think of any right off the bat! Is peanut butter on toast healthy? Ok, I have research to do), that will probably cut into my unhealthy snackage. As in, I’ll be munching on an apple where previously that would have been a bowl of ice cream.

Exercise

My exercise plans are pretty simple. I’m already thin, and as my goal isn’t to lose weight but tone up I’m going to be doing a lot of anaerobic stuff. Like weight lifting, crunches, ect.. I still have to look all this up. I feel as though I should probably stay away from cardio, aerobic exercises, but I can’t help myself. It’s what I actually enjoy doing, and I’ll be damned if I’m not enjoying at least part of my work out (actually, I plan on enjoying all of it, which I why I felt it was important to wait until I really felt the desire to start). My heart and lungs could probably use it, too. So I’m bicycling and having dance sessions (long dance sessions of about an hour or more a day. yay!) and jogging.

My biggest fear when it comes to starting an exercise program is that I’ll lose weight where I can’t quite afford to lose weight. I’m already skinny, and not really looking to lose what little booty I have. And god forbid something should happen to my a-cups! I’d deal, but still. What I really want is to tone up said booty, as well as my arms and legs. I’m not terribly concerned with my abs/stomach for now.

~~~

I consider this to be a kind of big exeriment. I don’t feel unhealthy now, not in relation to how I’ve felt my entire life. I may or may not still be iron deficient, but everything else (blood sugar and pressure, cholesteral, ect.) is normal and fine. Still, I want to do this for the next several months, to see what happens. Will I feel a lot better? Will I look a lot better? Will my sex drive go up? Will my face clear up? Will I be more alert? Will guys want to date me and girls want to be me? I guess I’m going to find out.

So, I’ve long suspected that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. And, ok, I probably have an unhealthy relationship with a lot of things, like people, and money. And God. And colours. And television.

But, uh, we’re just looking at the food right now. I found an…interesting site, called FitDay, where you can get a rough – emphasis on the rough – estimate of how many calories you’re consuming, as well as different vitamins, iron, sodium, and a giant list of things that no sane person should ever attempt to track. I should say immediately that I’m philosophically against these kinds of sites – I don’t think people should generally be counting calories or dissecting their food. I mean, I guess it works as a hobby, but still. So does knitting, or cycling.

But because I’m a huge hypocrite I want to try this out, anyway. Because, right, I’m currently underweight, have been for a long, long time – maybe since childhood, since I don’t think I’ve actually gotten much skinnier – and I’m kind of curious to see how I’m eating. I attempted a food log a while ago, but it died.

It’s only the first day, and I’ve only had breakfast and lunch, but I was pretty disappointed in the results. I had eaten:

– A bowl of cereal (cheerios, to be specific) for breakfast

– one boiled egg and one piece of toasted bread with butter

– three cups of water

And my calorie count only came up to 367. I mean, that’s pathetic. To make matters worse, according to this thing I’ve burned 2302 calories, apparently just by being alive, walking about 15 total minutes to and from bus stop, and dancing a little. More than half of this, they tell me, was burned by way of basal metabolism. It seems a bit too high for me. Only 69 burnt calories came from the walking and dancing. I think they’re overestimating my basal metabolism as well as my lifestyle. Aren’t you supposed to be eating about 2000 calories a day? If you burnt that much just by being alive we’d all be super thin. Add the earlier tiny carlorie count for the breakfast/lunch, andI’m thinking the software here just isn’t much good.

Calories Burned Today

  cals % total
Total: 2302  
Basal: 1367 59%
Lifestyle: 867 38%
Activities: 69 3

 

Then I added the three table spoons of honey I usually pour on my cheerios, and the chips I ate as a snack and my calorie intake went all the way up to 1169. Yeah, it like tripled. Which, what? Four table spoons of honey have twice as any calories as the cheerios I pour it on? Whatever, FitDay.

The good news is, because I’m a huge hypocrite I can ignore the probably-faulty programming and keep this up a bit, now that I think I can make it to my calorie intake goal for the day (you know, after I add dinner, maybe a late night ice cream bowl). We’ll see how this goes.

Right now my weight is about 113. My goal weight is 125. I put the deadline extremely far away, because I don’t believe in deadlines when it comes to your body. I’m also tracking my iron, protein and fat intake. Here’s how I’m doing so far:

Custom Nutrition Goals
Nutrient Units Intake Min Intake Goal Max Intake Goal
Calories kcal 1169.3 2200
Total Fat g 57.54
Protein g 18.92 46
Iron mg 9.96 15

 

 I realize I’m falling pathetically short on everything (the minimums follow the advice of the government). Particularly protein. But it’s only the first day, after all.

…And now to end this post abruptly.

 

I’ve spent the whole day watching Little House on the Prairie, eating delicious, somewhat stale cake and waiting around to see if anyone will call with a job offer. And dammit, I don’t feel guilty about any of it!

I went job hunting for the first time on Monday, but I’ll write more about that later. The only thing of note that happened today was that one of the little, hideous baby birdies fell out its nest. Stupid thing. I wanted to snap a picture or two, but that would have ventured into cold-hearted-bitch territory. I mean, I felt pretty compelled to put it back as soon as I saw it, and not find the camera. I put on gardening gloves first, thinking of that old wives’ tale about how you shouldn’t touch baby birds, and put it back in the nest (which really is getting very crowded with four growing birds. I don’t think it was very well-thought out). It’s hard to describe how fug these babies are – and I say that being extremely fond of them – they’re like a cross between a little dinosaur and a dead, ready-to-cook turkey at the supermarket. But the little beast looked really cute in my hand, probably because it’s so teeny. Things I can crush with my bare hands seem to soften my cold, dead heart (like kittens, or emo!boys).

A few hours later, another one had tumbled down (at least, I hope it was another one, or one of these little birdies is going to have brain damage). I went out to check on them because MamaBird was screeching (chirping? she makes a weird, lowish sort of groaning sound) up a storm. It appears that she has no way of getting the chicks back up the tree once they fall, which is stupid, and unfortunate, especially since she insists on attacking me every time I try to help.

Looking at the nest, I can see the problem is that it’s much too small – perhaps she didn’t anticipate four kiddies? – and, as self-appointed protector of all things BirdFamily, I’m wondering what to do about this. Maybe I shouldn’t do anything – maybe Mamabird’s shoving kids out on purpose, to make room for the others – but I kind of doubt that. I briefly considered replacing their nest with another, or a fake – a roomier one, obviously – but that would probably have some weird effect where she doesn’t recognize the babies as hers, or something. My mother wants to put something in the tree under the nest – some sort of platform so they won’t fall all the way to the ground. I’ll probably end up just put a towel on the ground under the tree – over the cement that’s there, ’cause, ouch. And yes, I’m probably spending too much time thinking about this.

Aside from that, Things I’ve Done That Are Unhealthy Today include: eating the vast majority of that cake I made the other day. Not to worry, though, it was all part of the plan – now that all the cake is gone, I can guiltlessly have a pudding cup or two while I watch Rock the Cradle tonight. Yes, I sometimes watch Rock the Cradle. Shut up.

Today, I baked a cake. Well, sorta; it came in one of those boxes. I got to add eggs, oil and water though.

I’ve wanted to get into baking and cooking for a while now. I can trace this to last summer, when my sister and I had ourselves a Buffy marathon and contemplated how well magic worked as a hobby. The collecting of herbs and candles and rocks and magicstuffs – the occasional researching – the mixing and burning and freezing – the mix of intuition, experimentation and set guidelines/rules – what more could you ask of a pastime? Obviously, since I’m not about to start practicing magic unless I thought it would work (and I don’t), I transferred my desire to do all those things into cooking and baking. And, OK, as of yet I haven’t learned to do either – baby steps, people.

It’s the start of summer, now. I’m looking for a job, yes, but I’ve also got a lot more free time on my hands, and hopefully some of that will translate into more baking/cooking. I’ll even take drink-mixing. But I started with a German chocolate cake…out of a box. Hey, this is impressive in my family, anyway.

It was mostly fun, except for that:

– The instructions now just assume that every person out there uses electric egg beaters. Well, THEY DON’T (although, they definitely should; I spent half-a-friggin hour beating and mixing and churning, and it still wasn’t as smooth as I’d like!).

– I accidentally put the cake in while the oven was still preheating. Whoops! As a result, it wasn’t ready at the time indicated and I had to guess at when to take it out. My poor cake has several toothpick stab wounds as a result.

I slathered chocolate cream on’t and as an afterthought dedicated it to my mother (though I’ve blurred out her name), because, well, you can never suck up enough to your mom (especially when you’re staying/still living with her).

Ta-da! Dessert!